Alrighty guys. It’s really time to stop beating around the bush and start getting honest about some things. Here’s the truth: I’m not doing so great. Right now is the worst time for me since the miscarriage in June. I’m not handling it well at all.
I never expected this to be an easy journey. And it was never a journey that I wanted to take. But when it first started, I really thought that I would make it through to the other side with minimal scaring. But I was wrong. For the first 4 weeks or so after we lost the baby, I really was doing okay. I feel like I was closer to God this summer than I have ever been my entire life. I wasn’t happy with my situation, but I completely trusted Him, knew He loved me, and knew that He had a plan for me. I still believe in these things, but I can’t say that I have a very positive attitude about those truths right now.
I’m angry. I’m angry at God. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at the world right now. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not like I’m pulling away from God. I’m still talking to Him, but I’m very much telling him how I feel about things. Not that He necessarily asked my opinion on them. But isn’t that how our relationship is supposed to be with Him? Aren’t we supposed to go to Him with everything? As my best friend and Father, shouldn’t I be able to tell him exactly how I’m feeling, even if that isn’t warm and fuzzy? I think so. So I am. Not that it’s changing His decision on the plan for my life. But I feel like at least I’m being honest with Him instead of pulling away from Him.
Another reason why I think I’m starting to have a hard time with this is the fact that I can see that everyone thinks I should be “over this” already. Not that they necessarily say it, but I can just tell. It’s more of just a whole attitude of “Really? Are we back to this again?!”. And then a part of me starts to feel guilty. And then I remember – wait. It’s only been 3 months. It’s not like it’s been 3 years. So should I just “be over” losing a pregnancy after just 3 months? I think that’s pretty quick. I don’t want to just sit around and mope and have people feel sorry for me all day long, but it’s hard when people just don’t want to hear about it anymore. I feel like every single person has the same “answer”: just trust God, trust His timing, know that He has a plan for your life, etc. etc. And you know what? That is very true. And I whole-heartedly believe those things. But sometimes you don’t want people to give you that. Sometimes you just want someone to say, “You know what? You’re right. This situation sucks. Let’s just be sad and angry together for a little while.”. But nobody says that but Matt. He is the only person who has been doing that for me.
I think another reason that I’m having such a hard time right now is that my body is still dealing with getting over this pregnancy. Even though I didn’t carry to term, my body had 11 weeks worth of growing and hormone changing that happened. You don’t get over that quickly. I mean, I had already started showing. It wasn’t big, but it was there. This means that my cycles are very irregular and unpredictable. Last month, everything was pretty normal but no pregnancy. This month, I didn’t ovulate. Yep. No joke. What happens when you don’t ovulate? You can’t get pregnant. It also means that your cycle may not come or may be very delayed. So here I am – day 37 of my cycle and still no period. It’s hard to look forward to maybe getting pregnant next month when I can’t get my period and start over fresh. This definitely adds to my negative outlook.
You know how when you want a new car, all you notice is new cars and commercials about new cars? Or if you want to take a cruise, you notice how many ads are all over the place for them? Well, the same is true for pregnancy. No joke – I literally see a new “friend” on facebook announce that they are pregnant at least 3 days a week. I kid you not. And each week that gets harder and harder to handle. It’s to the point where I’ve considered either deleting my facebook or not even getting on for a long time (ie: weeks or months). It’s not that I don’t think that anybody else should be pregnant, but it’s just hard to see everyone else having such an easy time getting that way. And seeing alllllll these girls get pregnant and having NO problems. It just sucks, ya know? It seems like a constant reminder of what I want and don’t have. It’s also hard because every day I see posts from pregnant girls complaining about their pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I know first hand how difficult being pregnant can be. But when you see the same people complaining day after day, it really fuels that anger. What I wouldn’t give to carry a baby like they are. I don’t think that I’ll be “perfect” the next time I get pregnant, but I can guarantee that I don’t have a negative attitude about it like that. I can promise that. Never again will I take the miracle of a healthy pregnancy for granted. I’m certain of that.
So that’s where I am right now. Angry. Hurting. And not happy about it.