Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Real Honesty

Alrighty guys. It’s really time to stop beating around the bush and start getting honest about some things. Here’s the truth: I’m not doing so great. Right now is the worst time for me since the miscarriage in June. I’m not handling it well at all.

I never expected this to be an easy journey. And it was never a journey that I wanted to take. But when it first started, I really thought that I would make it through to the other side with minimal scaring. But I was wrong. For the first 4 weeks or so after we lost the baby, I really was doing okay. I feel like I was closer to God this summer than I have ever been my entire life. I wasn’t happy with my situation, but I completely trusted Him, knew He loved me, and knew that He had a plan for me. I still believe in these things, but I can’t say that I have a very positive attitude about those truths right now.

I’m angry. I’m angry at God. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at the world right now. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not like I’m pulling away from God. I’m still talking to Him, but I’m very much telling him how I feel about things. Not that He necessarily asked my opinion on them. But isn’t that how our relationship is supposed to be with Him? Aren’t we supposed to go to Him with everything? As my best friend and Father, shouldn’t I be able to tell him exactly how I’m feeling, even if that isn’t warm and fuzzy? I think so. So I am. Not that it’s changing His decision on the plan for my life. But I feel like at least I’m being honest with Him instead of pulling away from Him.

Another reason why I think I’m starting to have a hard time with this is the fact that I can see that everyone thinks I should be “over this” already. Not that they necessarily say it, but I can just tell. It’s more of just a whole attitude of “Really? Are we back to this again?!”. And then a part of me starts to feel guilty. And then I remember – wait. It’s only been 3 months. It’s not like it’s been 3 years. So should I just “be over” losing a pregnancy after just 3 months? I think that’s pretty quick. I don’t want to just sit around and mope and have people feel sorry for me all day long, but it’s hard when people just don’t want to hear about it anymore. I feel like every single person has the same “answer”: just trust God, trust His timing, know that He has a plan for your life, etc. etc. And you know what? That is very true. And I whole-heartedly believe those things. But sometimes you don’t want people to give you that. Sometimes you just want someone to say, “You know what? You’re right. This situation sucks. Let’s just be sad and angry together for a little while.”. But nobody says that but Matt. He is the only person who has been doing that for me.

I think another reason that I’m having such a hard time right now is that my body is still dealing with getting over this pregnancy. Even though I didn’t carry to term, my body had 11 weeks worth of growing and hormone changing that happened. You don’t get over that quickly. I mean, I had already started showing. It wasn’t big, but it was there. This means that my cycles are very irregular and unpredictable. Last month, everything was pretty normal but no pregnancy. This month, I didn’t ovulate. Yep. No joke. What happens when you don’t ovulate? You can’t get pregnant. It also means that your cycle may not come or may be very delayed. So here I am – day 37 of my cycle and still no period. It’s hard to look forward to maybe getting pregnant next month when I can’t get my period and start over fresh. This definitely adds to my negative outlook.

You know how when you want a new car, all you notice is new cars and commercials about new cars? Or if you want to take a cruise, you notice how many ads are all over the place for them? Well, the same is true for pregnancy. No joke – I literally see a new “friend” on facebook announce that they are pregnant at least 3 days a week. I kid you not. And each week that gets harder and harder to handle. It’s to the point where I’ve considered either deleting my facebook or not even getting on for a long time (ie: weeks or months). It’s not that I don’t think that anybody else should be pregnant, but it’s just hard to see everyone else having such an easy time getting that way. And seeing alllllll these girls get pregnant and having NO problems. It just sucks, ya know? It seems like a constant reminder of what I want and don’t have. It’s also hard because every day I see posts from pregnant girls complaining about their pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I know first hand how difficult being pregnant can be. But when you see the same people complaining day after day, it really fuels that anger. What I wouldn’t give to carry a baby like they are. I don’t think that I’ll be “perfect” the next time I get pregnant, but I can guarantee that I don’t have a negative attitude about it like that. I can promise that. Never again will I take the miracle of a healthy pregnancy for granted. I’m certain of that.

So that’s where I am right now. Angry. Hurting. And not happy about it.



Emily said...

I hate that I can't be there more for you through all this...I feel guilt being one of those pregnant girls!!! I have several friends who have gone through similar experiences, I'm gonna send them this blog entry and see if they can offer you something encouraging that I simply can't since I have no clue how it feels. It's funny (not haha but ironic) that you feel like every time you go on FB you see all these healthy preg ppl and when I go on I feel like all I see are people with problems with their babies (born or unborn)! I guess it really is one of those things like the new car situation. For you it makes you feel worse about your situation and for me it makes me feel like "when is MY scary bad baby thing gonna happen?" maybe unplugging is a good idea though!!! it'd def help you not feel like you have to compare yourself to others who have had an easier baby path (or heck even have to compare yourself to the ones who've had it worse b/c you are JUSTIFIED in feeling the way you do ya know?). I'm def praying for you and while it's over-said (esp by me) it REALLY is about God's timing and I know it's all a plan He has for you and your wonderful family! I'm always here if you wanna vent but I know with my situation I'm not the easiest one to vent to! :( love you!

Amanda said...

Oh Robyn, I completely understand Where you are coming from. I have been exactly where you are and I just learned today that I had a miscarriage. I have a blighted ovum and will have to have a d&c. I found all this out within the past few hours and I have seen more pregnant women roaming about more than usual since my appointment and it is like a slap in my face. But I do have complete faith in God that He knows the plans for us. I've been down this road before and waited years to get pregnant so I know how much it hurts. If you ever want to vent and talk with someone that knows exactly how you feel, I'm here for you. I'm going to friend you on FB. Oh and my doctor told me he wants to refer me to an infertility specialist. :(

Rossie said...

Thank you for your honesty. Justin and I have had two miscarriages (the first and second times we ever "tried") and I just can't even really talk about it. I feel everything that you feel too most of the time. I can be completely fine and then crying the next minute. It's definitely the reason I quit blogging. I was tired of pretending like everything was okay. With moving and not having a job and then losing two pregnancies I feel lost sometimes... Hang in there. I have to remind myself all the time (because I'm the worst offender of this) that it's not about me, it's about making much of God and if I can make much of God through the tough times then my only prayer is that others will see Him through the tough times too. You're not alone....

Kelly Ford said...

Hey! I'm one of Emily's friends and now am following your blog :-) Hope you dont mind!

I really appreciate your honesty in this post. I actually have lost 2 babies and its been really, really hard. AFter my first (i had an ectopic that we had to miscarry at 8.5 weeks), I had a really, really hard time. I wanted so badly to be pregnant again. I felt guilty that I hadnt been able to carry the baby. I was so sad. So mad at God that this was my first experience being preggo.

I also knew, i mean KNEW that the Lord is in control and had perfect timing, blah, blah, blah. But, like you, i just didnt want to feel all happy about Gods bigger plan b/c i was kind of hating it at the time :-(

I actually had decided i WOULD get preggo again. That i would MAKE it happen. (haha... insert laughter).

After 9 months of being upset, angry, sad, and pleading with God, I finally decided that youknow, God hadnt changed. His goodness hadnt changed. And yet, i wasnt willing to be grateful b/c my situation was so the opposite of what i wanted.

I had let my circumstances steal my joy.

So i repented and told God that even if he never gave us a baby, i knew that HE had not changed. That his love for me had not changed. That his desire that I glorify him with my life had not changed.

I ended up preggo the next month :-)

But i just want to say that there is NOTHING that anyone could have said to me during that 9 months to have made me get to "that" point of peace that i ended up at any sooner. It was a process i had to get through, with the Lord, on my own.

And you will, too. Your weeping will turn to laughter, once again. He has promised it. And praise God, He keeps his promises.

So in the meantime, i'll be praying for you. That your struggle will be short lived but most of all, that you will come out of this with a renewed strength and faith and a testimony that will be a reminder for years to come of Gods faithfulness.
II Tim. 2:11-13 :-)

Emily said...

Lindsay asked me to post this for her b/c it wouldn't let her for some reason...

Hi! I am Emily's cousin,Lindsey, and she was thoughtful and concerned enough to send this blog post to me hoping I could give you some words of encouragement. I have read your post and can honestly say I UNDERSTAND exactly where you are coming from. You see, I have a 4 yr. old AMAZING, little boy who is the center of my world. It was very easy to get pregnant with him, so I always thought when it comes time to try for the second, it wouldn't be hard at all... WRONG! My husband and I tried for a year with nothing but let downs, miscarriages,chemical pregnancies, and fertility doctors. For MONTHS I have been back and forth, happy and sad, angry etc God. Not that I once did not believe in Him or trust him, but you needed to vent and God gets that! I know none of my long nights of crying or upset words changed His way of doing things. I do believe that by praying, begging/pleading with each prayer, letting our requests be known to him... PHIL 4:6 God blessed us once more... when HE was ready... which felt like an eternity. I remember at one point counting (no joke)17 of my friends/people I know who were all pregnant or announcing they were pregnant on fb! Yeah, tell me about it! So, the anger, the hurt, the pain... I know... I have been there! It SUCKS! It is not that you are unhappy for your friends pregnancy, but you just want something so bad and you feel like you deserve what everyone else is getting blessed with... this is the way it is seeming. And, at the point you are at this feeling may not change for a long time. I will tell you this... I had a "so called friend" tell me ONCE I was OCDing about getting pregnant and I needed to let it go (coming from someone who had similar if not worse misfortunes than myself)and I quickly realized she was not a friend at all. "OCDing"... WOW! People can call it what they want, but asking for such a blessing and comparing it to OCDing is just harsh, rude, and WRONG to say! With that being said, the people who really LOVE and CARE about you and your well-being will see you through this, pray for you sincerely, and LISTEN ANYTIME you need a ear or a shoulder just to cry on. Even if they do not know how it feels they should be loving and kind... not harsh and feeling like you should "be over it". That is about the same as telling you to quit "OCDing". With your body carrying the baby for 11 weeks it could take longer than 3 months for it to fully recover, physically, and people need to be aware of that! If they are not, cut ties, that is what I did. Mentally, you cannot just get over carrying YOUR CHILD (which God blessed you with) and then losing it... not in 3 months! And, especially if you are having the physical end too... not ovulating, trying to get regular again... geez... some people need to really stop and TRY and put themselves in your shoes! It angers me to hear people can be so cold. It doesn't matter if you carried your child full term or 4 weeks... you still LOST YOUR BABY!!!!

Emily said...

part two from lindsey (it all didn't fit!)

Now, with all my back and forth thoughts I want to say just a few more things. You are not alone! Continue to talk to God, good or bad,He will help you work out this anger. Love Him, Trust Him. PRAY. Do not let others post their negative energy on you. This is a healing process that takes time just as anything else. If they cannot except that, cut ties!! Know that (by just my story) you can and will still have another child... only when God is ready... whenever that may be. ;) I will say this... for months and months we tried, doctors, tests, you name it, we did it... THEN, my husband found out he was going TDY (we are military) for a few months to GA so I immediately told him I did not want to get pregnant or be pregnant while he was gone those few months... we would just start trying when he gets back end of Sept. TMI- but oh well- my cycle came July 4 and seven days later I ovulated (right when my husband was fixing to leave me for a few months so you know I wanted a "good bye" moment ;)) NEEDLESS to say, we quit trying, I for once wasn't thinking about getting pregnant, wasn't counting when I ovulate on which day... yada, yada, yada... and, well, I am 10 weeks!!!! So, dreams do come true. I WILL ALSO SAY THIS... just because dreams come true and you think you will not be one of those that ever complains... I am now 10 weeks, so sick my mom had to come to FL for a week to hel me with my child, they had to send my husband back from TDY for a week, I am having to go to the doc every other day for adjustments due to my spine being completely messed up due to this sweet, little blessing inside me... and I am fixing to have a biopsy on my thyroid due to a growth.. and the thyroid issue could lead to possible miscarriage and be the cause of all my others... yeah, so, I have complained a hair bit... not that I am not thankful, but when you are in pain, you FORGET THE BIG PICTURE and what you originally asked for. ;) I pray things get regular for you again soon, you find peace with the past miscarriage, you find happiness in knowing God has this! I also will pray others will stop and try and be kind and understanding to you during this hard time. No matter what or how much time passes... this is something that just doesn't go away. And, I will be willing to make bet that once you are able to put things behind you (no matter how long that takes), and you are able to just enjoy and stop trying or counting ovulation days (like I did for so , so long) things will happen. God will allow another blessing in your life. Peace and prayer to you. And, remember, God's got this!

Crazy Beautiful Love said...

I don't think I knew you had a blog. Or maybe I did. NOt sure.
I was 12 weeks pregs with twins in April 2005 when I miscarried. I still have moments of tears. Even after Emma and through the blessing of having our newest baby with that extra chromosome, I still am sad. I wouldn't trade them for a those twins but it hurts. It hurts when I think about meeting them one day in heaven and praying that it's true.
It does hurt much less now though. Alot less anger. It's not having more kids that made the hurt go away it was time.
Time will help you too.

Brittany said...

Did you ever take anything naturally to regulate your cycles? I'm very irregular and the hubs and I are going to start trying in July!