Friday, June 10, 2011

Where I'm At

It's been a week and a day since my D&C.

It's been a week and two days since we found out that Jesus had taken our baby. 

I don't really know how to start about where I am right now.  About how I feel.  I guess that's because it's just really all over the place.  For the most part, I'm doing okay.  I meant everything I said in my last post about our miscarriage.  Isn't that such an ugly word?  Miscarriage.  I don't like it one bit.  I've been spending a lot of time with God.  I don't even know if you would call it "talking" to God.  More like just resting in His presence.  I'm just very aware of Him right now.  It just feel like He's holding me, and I'm not really doing anything but resting in that.  Honestly, I don't know if I can do much more than that right now. 

Most of the time, I'm okay.  Most of the time I don't feel this overwhelming sense of grief.  Most of the time I feel like life is moving on.  But then BAM!  Out of nowhere it will hit me.  That grief will come in like a wave and I'll be flooded with a sense of loss.  I know soooo many people who are pregnant right now.  One of the hardest things for me is seeing them move on in their pregnancy, while mine has come to a stop.  When you know 215476 people who are pregnant, it just seems to be all around you.

For the whole time I was pregnant (which I *know* was longer than then 6 weeks my doctor will tell you - it was more like 10), I had an overwhelming sense that this baby would be a boy.  Matt and I talked about it several times during the pregnancy.  Isn't that horrible, too?  "The pregnancy".  I talked to Matt, and I decided that I'm going to think of this baby as a boy.  I don't want this baby to forever be an "it".  Or "the baby".  This baby isn't an "it" to Jesus, so why does it have to be to me?  So I choose to think of the baby as a boy.  No name.  Just a boy.  My son.

I cried about him last night.  It's hard to write all of this out right now and not grieve as I do it.  But mostly, I've had a good week just resting in the presence of my heavenly Father.  He has been so good to me.  I have a beautiful, precious daughter here on Earth with me, and she makes every day worth it.  I know that God has a plan for us.  And I believe that part of that plan is to have another baby.  I'm trusting in that.  And that baby will be perfect and whole. 

But until then, life goes on.  I have the most amazing husband in the world.  I have a beautiful, smart, spunky daughter.  I have an awesome family.  And life goes on.

So many people have commented that I'm "handling this well", or "staying so strong".  Not really.  I don't think I'm handling this well at all.  I don't think I'm strong at all.  I think they're seeing Jesus carry me.  I don't know how else to explain it.  Because there have been plenty of dark moments in this process.  Plenty of times that I felt so overwhelmed with grief.  Jesus is the only thing that can shine through that. 

I'll make it through this.  Matt and Lorelai will, too.  And we'll be stronger because of it.  And we'll love Jesus more because of it, too.  It just takes some time getting there.



Emily said...

I'm so sorry :( I HATE that you're even having to deal with all of this and all of these emotions. It just straight up sucks. On a GOOD note though think about it this way: God has a baby planned for YOU and when you get pregnant again and the baby is perfect and healthy it'll be a wonderful blessing to your life. And if this pregnancy HAD continued - then the baby that is going to be coming wouldn't be able to happen ya know? My mom miscarried before having me and I thought about if she hadn't had that happen, I wouldn't be here! It may sound like dumb logic but maybe it'll help? Love ya!

Recording Megow Adventures said...

Romans 5:3 has always been such an interesting verse to me (Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;) and it seems very relate-able in this situation.

I have always thought you were a wonderful writer, but your most recent posts, though they are sad, have been some excellent writing as well.

Seth and I are totally here for you and Matt and LL, love you guys! I could never imagine going through what you are going through, to me,, you seem to be holding up very well,,,Jesus is very awesome!

Amanda said...

I always refer to the baby we lost as a "her". Like you, Keith and I always referred to her as a girl. As much as it hurts, it will make you so much stronger in life and in your Faith. I will continue to pray for you Robyn. <3 Amanda

Nicole @ Two and Two is 4 said...

I'm sorry. My fiance's cousin's wife had a miscarriage a year ago and they just said that it happened because it just wasn't meant to be at the time. Things happen for a reason.