Where I'm At

It's been a week and a day since my D&C.

It's been a week and two days since we found out that Jesus had taken our baby. 

I don't really know how to start about where I am right now.  About how I feel.  I guess that's because it's just really all over the place.  For the most part, I'm doing okay.  I meant everything I said in my last post about our miscarriage.  Isn't that such an ugly word?  Miscarriage.  I don't like it one bit.  I've been spending a lot of time with God.  I don't even know if you would call it "talking" to God.  More like just resting in His presence.  I'm just very aware of Him right now.  It just feel like He's holding me, and I'm not really doing anything but resting in that.  Honestly, I don't know if I can do much more than that right now. 

Most of the time, I'm okay.  Most of the time I don't feel this overwhelming sense of grief.  Most of the time I feel like life is moving on.  But then BAM!  Out of nowhere it will hit me.  That grief will come in like a wave and I'll be flooded with a sense of loss.  I know soooo many people who are pregnant right now.  One of the hardest things for me is seeing them move on in their pregnancy, while mine has come to a stop.  When you know 215476 people who are pregnant, it just seems to be all around you.

For the whole time I was pregnant (which I *know* was longer than then 6 weeks my doctor will tell you - it was more like 10), I had an overwhelming sense that this baby would be a boy.  Matt and I talked about it several times during the pregnancy.  Isn't that horrible, too?  "The pregnancy".  I talked to Matt, and I decided that I'm going to think of this baby as a boy.  I don't want this baby to forever be an "it".  Or "the baby".  This baby isn't an "it" to Jesus, so why does it have to be to me?  So I choose to think of the baby as a boy.  No name.  Just a boy.  My son.

I cried about him last night.  It's hard to write all of this out right now and not grieve as I do it.  But mostly, I've had a good week just resting in the presence of my heavenly Father.  He has been so good to me.  I have a beautiful, precious daughter here on Earth with me, and she makes every day worth it.  I know that God has a plan for us.  And I believe that part of that plan is to have another baby.  I'm trusting in that.  And that baby will be perfect and whole. 

But until then, life goes on.  I have the most amazing husband in the world.  I have a beautiful, smart, spunky daughter.  I have an awesome family.  And life goes on.

So many people have commented that I'm "handling this well", or "staying so strong".  Not really.  I don't think I'm handling this well at all.  I don't think I'm strong at all.  I think they're seeing Jesus carry me.  I don't know how else to explain it.  Because there have been plenty of dark moments in this process.  Plenty of times that I felt so overwhelmed with grief.  Jesus is the only thing that can shine through that. 

I'll make it through this.  Matt and Lorelai will, too.  And we'll be stronger because of it.  And we'll love Jesus more because of it, too.  It just takes some time getting there.