We have been asking so many people to pray for our precious little baby. You can read my older, more detailed post on that here if you need to catch up a little. Here's what has been happening since that point:
This past Wednesday (June 1) we went back to the doctor for another ultrasound. Immediately when they started the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. The baby didn't look any bigger than it did last week. After a few quite minutes of the ultrasound technician looking around, I knew something even bigger was wrong - there was no longer a heartbeat. I didn't need her to tell me that. It was pretty easy to see. She asked me if Marie told me last week what was going on. I told her yes, and that this week would give us more answers. I asked her if the baby had grown any. She said no. The baby was still measuring 6 weeks and 1 day. (According to when I know we conceived, I should have been closer to around 10 weeks). I asked her if there was a heartbeat. She said no. She let me get dressed and let us straight to a room with just some couches and chairs to wait for Marie.
This is where I lost it. I felt like I was being pretty rude to her because she was trying to ask me some questions and I was basically ignoring her. I was really just trying to hold it together until we got to the room. As soon as I walked through the door I just melted. Matt did, too. They gave us a good 20 minutes or so in there to just cry and talk before Marie came in. She apologized and started talking to us about what we should do next. I basically had two options: I could have a D&C or I could just wait it out at home. A D&C is where they go into your uterus and clean everything out for you. The plus side is that everything is over quickly and you don't have to just wait around for it to happen at home. The negative side is that it is surgery (the put you under) and it's not the most comfortable of things to deal with. And you need a few days of recovery time. If I chose to just wait it out at home, I would basically just be waiting on my body to cleanse itself out. It could take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks for my body to decide to do that on its own. Then, once the process started, I could bleed anywhere from a few days to a week. The bleeding process could also start at any time (ie - in public, in the middle of the night, etc), it could be very heavy, and it could be very painful. I also could end up in the emergency room needing a D&C anyway. We opted to go for the D&C. I wasn't very excited about having surgery (I'll be honest - I was pretty terrified about it), but I didn't think I could just go home and wait for this to happen on its own.
Yesterday was the day that I had the D&C. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone there was so extremely nice and I ended up only being knocked out for about 30 minutes. I've been on pain meds pretty heavy since then. I'm not hurting too bad and the bleeding is minimal. LL is with Grammy and having a blast. I'm sure she thinks that she's on vacation. We'll get her back tomorrow morning and I can't wait to see her.
As soon as we found out that we had lost the baby, I just kept saying to Matt over and over that this is what we prayed for. We prayed that if God was going to take this baby, that He would do it quickly and not drag the process out. That's exactly what He did. I'm so thankful that I have a God that hears my prayers and answers them. Sometimes answered prayers doesn't always mean that you'll be happy or that you'll get your way. Sometimes answered prayers means that God is a merciful God who will try and make your suffering as minimal as possible.
Why do bad things happen to good people? Why did I lose a baby that I desperately wanted? Matt and I are "good" people. We pay our bills, we have jobs, we love the child we already have, etc. Why does the teenage mother who never wanted a child get to keep hers? Why is there a mother at the doctor's office today that already has 5 kids at home that she can't afford and now she's pregnant with another one that she doesn't even want get to keep hers? Why US? The answer is simple. Because there is sin in the world. And that means that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Just because we lost this baby doesn't mean that God doesn't love us. Or that He isn't listening to our every hope and dream. And it also doesn't mean that He won't bless us with another, healthy baby down the road.
Here's one thing that I do know and that I want YOU to know too: My God was with me through every step in this journey because He LOVES me. And He loves you, too. No matter who you are, where you come from, what you've done in your past - He loves you. This is the part where a lot of you will stop reading this post. And that's okay. Because this is where I cross a lot of boundaries with you. But I'm going to say it anyway. Because you need to know. God loves you.
God was with me, Matt, and this baby the whole step of the way. And he'll be with me when I get pregnant next time. I mean what I said in my last pregnancy post -
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring that chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
'Cause I know they'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You,
Jesus bring the rain.
So in my storm, I'm still praising God. Because I can feel Him arms around me and I know that He loves me so much.
There's one more thing that I want to say in this post directly to you:
Thank you. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for your words of encouragement to us. Even though we have responded to very few of you, we have read everything that everyone has said. Whether it was in text messages, facebook posts, facebook messages, voicemails, etc. We've read and heard everything, and it was meant so much to us. So thank you. So much. You have been such a positive support system to us.
I promise my next post will go back to adorable pictures of LL. :)